Yvonne Feresu

Tag: Mental well-being

  • What I learnt sacrificing creative writing for financial security

    What I learnt sacrificing creative writing for financial security

    I would love to say I have always loved writing, but the truth is I’m not sure it’s been “always.” I’ve had an inclination towards writing for as long as I can remember. Maybe it was because I fell in love with stories from an early age, earlier than my adult memory can remember. That’s the thing about things you’ve had a knack for at a young age, they become engrained in your identity because you can remember those things always being part of your life. Novels, writing, dancing, drawing…creativity. Somewhere along the road things changed.

    I learnt that creative writing isn’t a sensible career, it doesn’t pay, never mind dancing, what kind of a career would that be, especially in a developing country? But, I was stubborn. I read too many books not to know that it’s smarter to do what you’re good at if you want to succeed, and I was, still am good at writing. So, I comprised. I decided to lean on non-fiction writing to build a career, thus began the blogging phase of my life.

    I call it a phase because, before this post (written sometime during my inconsistent stage), I don’t remember the last time I wrote on my blog or anyone else’s blog. I set out to build a portfolio for my writing, gain clients, make money and share my writing. And I did that, I became a professional writer. Until I decided to venture into Communications and join the NGO sector, and I did (it wasn’t as simple and straightforward as I’m making it sound). Securing a steady job, with a decent income, doing what I’m pretty good at was exactly what I wanted…except something died along the way.

    I can’t draw to save my life anymore, that’s a skill that dies when it goes unnurtured. As a child, I used to fill my mother’s work diaries with 3D drawings of cars, that was my main obsession. I haven’t danced in over 6 years, and I’m not talking about dancing at a party, in a club, or family gathering. I’m talking about practised, choreographed dancing…the deliberate movement of limbs to convey a message. And now, now that I have the job, the apartment, and the security I craved, I struggle to write. The stories that used to rush through my head at a wild speed sometimes only plod through reluctantly once in a while.

    Of all the things to die, the stories where the last ones to go. I’m afraid that one day, maybe a decade from now, I’ll look back and remember a time when I could weave magnificent fictional stories in my head. Just like with ‘drawing’, I’ll wonder how I could have been artistic enough to pull it off, and I’ll shake my head with sadness that I let that die too. It makes me sad and empty that I’m running down a path that’s taking me away from the things that bring me life.

    So many of us young people label ourselves as “creatives” and it’s a title with connotations. We’re not the really rich ones, no, we’re the ones who spend all our time doing cool, fun stuff (or so the perception goes) for a living. We get to do what we love. We create magnificent stuff and the level of creativity you have determines how ‘cool’ or valuable your work is. Two years ago, I was firmly entrenched in advertising, and I hated it. As a Copywriter, you’re hired for your creative prowess, but I hated it. It wasn’t the dream job that I thought it would be. I started to question if I was truly as creative as I liked to think I was.

    It went downhill from then on. Long story short I decided maybe creativity wasn’t my thing after all. And so I stopped. I became paralysed with indecision, doubt, apathy and the desire to still acquire the material things I wanted, which my job allowed me to do. And then I began to feel empty. Uninterested in doing the very things that inspired me, excited me and bring that glint into my eyes. I felt that part of me start to fade and die, and I knew something was wrong. That is the day I realized that I AM a creative spirit, and without fulfilling that part, the work part of my life becomes dull and desolate.

    READ: If you want to be more creative. get bored

    I sacrificed that side of me for the job that lets me have the financial independence I badly craved. I ask myself if it’s worth it, but attempting to make a viable career out of those things is a mammoth task that requires energy that my job constantly burns out of me. Here’s where creatives make a gross error, working an 8-5 that demands the same from you that your creative endeavours do. It’s obviously easier to clinch a job based on what you excel at, but sometimes it takes everything away too. It leaves your cup empty.

    Was there a lesson in here somewhere? A purpose in writing this? A takeaway for you? I don’t know. What I do know is oftentimes we let life derail us completely until everything we do is about survival (which is necessary) or worse we live for the weekend. Not everything we do has to bring us money, although living in a failed state requires we try everything to earn an extra buck. It’s okay to spend time and energy focusing on things purely for enjoyment, or to help others, or to make a difference, without earning money or fame as the end goal. It’s important not to let everything go because your mental wellbeing will suffer.

    Important aspects of ourselves die, and we won’t see it until years have passed and we look back and ask ourselves how we became the people we are. We ask ourselves what happened to all the fire and light, and wonder where the deep-seated dissatisfaction we have with our own lives came from. It’s an unsettling and regrettable feeling. At the moment I work (my job at the time of writing) so I can live (my lifestyle) but for the kind of person I am, that is problematic. It occurred to me that I need to change things, to figure out a way around it, or else continue my descend into complete apathy, an emotion or lack of that leads to suicide in ‘at risk’ individuals.

    I hope you find or build your fire, and keep it burning. Until next time. 

    (PS: I wrote this several months from the date of publication. I had a chance to pursue more creative endeavours full-time but it hasn’t been easy. I’ve learnt that perhaps one has to find a way to strike the perfect balance.)

  • Virus-anxiety: How I finally wrote my first ebook

    Virus-anxiety: How I finally wrote my first ebook

    I wrote my first e-book, finally! And it’s on mental health.

    This was no easy task! It showed me new levels of frustration, and I acquired a profound respect for cover and book designers. I seriously underestimated the editing and proofreading process. Editors deserve more money than they charge honestly, and I deserve a bottle of wine for my frustration bearing abilities.

    PS: In writing this e-book, I’m also smashing a resolution I made at the beginning of the year, promises I made myself.

    READ: My 2020 challenge – promises to myself.

    What’s the e-book about?

    Managing your mental health during a pandemic. When COVID-19 was first reported in Zimbabwe, up until the first fatality, my anxiety started running high. It was all anyone spoke about; at the office, at home, in public transport, on social media. I spent too much time keeping myself updated on every little piece of that was released onto the media. I was going crazy, and I was definitely overdoing it. Of course, when I started imagining everyone I knew who fit within the more ‘vulnerable groups’ inside a coffin, I realized I was taking it too far.

    That’s when I decided to make a conscious effort to protect my mental health. Coincidentally a group I’m part of (1k Challenge) put up an e-book writing competition. I didn’t enter the competition, but I did write an e-book, almost three times the length required by the competition. The directive was to write on something you know about, but that’s also useful to others. It occurred to me that perhaps I could document the actions I took to manage my fear about coronavirus. Hopefully, someone else would find it useful.

    Harder than it looks, but easier than I thought

    I have always toyed with the idea of writing a non-fiction e-book, but all my paltry attempts failed dismally…obviously. I wasn’t putting enough effort. I wasn’t being consistent, neither was showing any discipline. What I did terrifically was to dream about it, which I’ve always been good at. I knew writing a book would be difficult, every writer knows that (but most people don’t realize this). Writing a book is very challenging (I’m talking about 200-400 paged creations here). Writing a novel is an even more challenging endeavour.

    But …it’s easier than I imagined. Perhaps I underestimated my own abilities, but I wasn’t sure I could pull it off (despite working jobs that rely heavily on my writing skills). My e-book is only about 21 pages long, but I’m proud of it. It’s a good start and taught me quite a great deal about writing a manuscript. Without further ado, you can read or down it here.

    How I pulled it off

    • I wrote down all my major points in the numerical order they would appear in the e-book
    • Then I set a timeline (which I didn’t follow)
    • I collected my research
    • Came up with a distribution plan (which I’m loosely following)
    • Wrote first draft (I wrote about 500 words every day from 6.30-7am)
    • Edited and proofread (a ton of times, back and forth until I was ready to scream with frustration)
    • Designed my cover in Canva (I just edited a template, to be honest)
    • Put everything together in Google Docs and Smallpdf (this is the part that almost made me cry)
    • Published!
    • Then I saw more errors and had to take it down
    • More editing and proofreading and tears of frustration
    • Decided I didn’t want to anymore
    • More formatting and editing…then, published.

    Learning points

    Discipline is necessary. You have to be patient. It takes more time than you probably imagined. Frustration will have you aching to throw away your whole laptop. Try, try, and try again, until you’ve had it up to your neck.

    Did I mention patience? You need buckets of it, because a project like this, small as it is, will stretch your patience to breaking point.

    I can’t be more pleased about this, I really can’t explain to you how happy I am about my small victory. Poor Bae had to deal with my frustration also, but the encouragement went a long way to saving the e-book from the digital trashcan.

    PS: Share the e-book with anyone you think could really use it, or maybe even those who don’t know they could use it. He’s a link to it, again.

    https://bit.ly/how-to-manage-your-mental-health-during-the-COVID-19-pandemic-ebook

  • Dear graduates, it’s a bad idea to apply for and accept just any job, here’s why.

    Dear graduates, it’s a bad idea to apply for and accept just any job, here’s why.

    Times are tough for a lot of people; everyone can see that. The formal employment sector is in the pits, we all know that, however, dear fellow graduates, getting any kind of job is not necessarily a good thing. Hold on and let me explain, here’s a sample conversation I’ve heard before:

    *“Sha I need a job….”

    “What kind of job do you want?” I ask.

    *“Chero! It doesn’t matter, I just need a job. Anything, as long as I’m getting paid.”

    I almost always hear that answer, and I’m torn between telling this person what I know or keeping my trap shut. Firstly, you don’t want just any job! Trust me, that is a road to psychological damage…yes, doing that sort of thing takes away from you even as you earn a few pennies. See, every time I tell someone that doing *“chero basa” (any kind of job) will take you down a dark path, I always hear, “It’s because you have a job, you don’t understand.”

    It’s called underemployment, and it sucks

    But I do understand. I wasn’t necessarily picky once too, and I managed to land a job whilst waiting to decide whether I wanted to go back to school immediately or not. I hated it. It required barely any intellectual effort on my part, neither did I do anything particularly stimulating.

    So there I was, with my Honours degree in Psychology, working behind a counter punching in codes all day long. I didn’t hate it because I thought I’m too good for that (although I was overqualified for it), I hated it because I could feel my mind dying a slow, desperate death from lack of use. And that also meant I’d wasted five years in school, A’level plus university. You can’t begin to imagine what this did to me.

    Which is precisely what will happen to you, if you’re not more selective about the kind of job you apply for and the working conditions. Now I understand a lot of us are in survival mode, reacting to a turbulent economy, but there are opportunities to generate income, as long as you’re willing to think, work, and make risky choices. Screw looking for conventional employment if it’s proving elusive, seek to generate income instead.

    If you prefer the “security” of someone else finding ways to make money, then give you a small cut for your time, then continue the “rese rese” job search. Almost every organisation needs employees (don’t listen to people who bash 9-5 jobs), but pick employment that enriches you. Beware that there is a price taking a job that several pegs below your capacity. It erodes your self-confidence and sometimes your sense of self-worth too. The way you think of yourself will change, and that affects everything you do, especially the small decisions with hidden, larger consequences.

    READ: Why I quit my job and why you shouldn’t. 

    Protect your mental well-being

    Alternatively, wait patiently until what you want comes along. Something that falls fairly within the parameters of your interests and skill level. Hustle for income in the meantime, but don’t settle for under employment. I remember crying tears of frustration over in an omnibus on my way home several times. It’s a dangerous route to take. Protect your mental well-being fiercely whenever you can.

    Consider that maybe you don’t need just any job, you just need any source of income.

    The translation

    *Sha – short (slang) for shamwari meaning friend

    *Chero – any

    *chero basa – any kind of job

    *rese rese – in this context it means whatever job you can get, any